we will become a happy ending
Mar. 19th, 2010 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
methrowrockYesterday, I made my first big mistake at work. Even though the others dismissed it as a small matter, I couldn't help feeling disappointed with myself. Why didn't I double-confirm? How could I have the audacity to assume? Oh, the list of things I could have done to prevent it from happening runs on and on, but what mattered most was that I did not. Time and again, I lose to myself. It reminded me of the good old goalkeeping days, where the sting of failing to stop a goal burns everbright in your memory. The smarting tingle that you could have done more, but did not. Ahhh, it is time to reacquaint myself with the feeling of leering hungrily at the ball, at life, egging it to hurtle straight at you and being so damn pumped and alive with anticipation that you just about leap out to smother it- booyah, right back at ya! I miss the game. It made me feel like something.
For the month of March, the days seem to flit pass in a Gaussian blur. They were days upon of days of doing what we were told, doing what we're not told (ie dancing in the most obvious of places), laughing and laughing, perspiring profusely followed by shivering subtly in the breakroom, and idontknow, of plain happiness. I remember wishing sometime a week ago that time would suspend its linear passage and just freeze, elongating the amount of time I would have with my honey & my bunny, the ah mas, the limper and the rest of the Pantages crew. How long would this last, I wonder. I am just grateful for each day.
But more and more often, I wonder if my way of thinking is too simple and my attitude, too nonchalant. Is it a good or bad thing that I don't notice or ignore those little behavioural ticks, those camouflaged intentions? It should be bad, right? It is such a passive and placid way of living: letting contentious matters slide and allowing little to bother me. Oh oh, the cycle of self-loathing is about to commence once again. Where ma pretty Korean boys at!? Even better, it is time to prepare for the outing with some of my favourite people. Excuse me, while I escape from myself.
For the month of March, the days seem to flit pass in a Gaussian blur. They were days upon of days of doing what we were told, doing what we're not told (ie dancing in the most obvious of places), laughing and laughing, perspiring profusely followed by shivering subtly in the breakroom, and idontknow, of plain happiness. I remember wishing sometime a week ago that time would suspend its linear passage and just freeze, elongating the amount of time I would have with my honey & my bunny, the ah mas, the limper and the rest of the Pantages crew. How long would this last, I wonder. I am just grateful for each day.
But more and more often, I wonder if my way of thinking is too simple and my attitude, too nonchalant. Is it a good or bad thing that I don't notice or ignore those little behavioural ticks, those camouflaged intentions? It should be bad, right? It is such a passive and placid way of living: letting contentious matters slide and allowing little to bother me. Oh oh, the cycle of self-loathing is about to commence once again. Where ma pretty Korean boys at!? Even better, it is time to prepare for the outing with some of my favourite people. Excuse me, while I escape from myself.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-02 12:29 pm (UTC)