methrowrock: (Sunflower)
[personal profile] methrowrock
Limbo, what an awkward word for an awkward phase. It screams inadaptability, incoherence, inelegance. Limbs akimbo, you are a paper doll splayed flat and trodden upon by the grimy feet of distracted toddlers. It is a weird stage to be in- the feeling of transition. Lost in translation: the phrases come as squiggles, the particles and connectors are missing, eaten up by the starkness of "contentful" words. Telegraphic stage? I have been going for EL lectures heh, and what a whole new wonderful world it is! I was worried about growing intellectually complacent, which, on hindsight, is quite a joke, because I am neither intellectual, nor have anything to be complacent about. Every sentence is a struggle to be understood. Thus, my eyes turn into stars when I witness the sparkling wit of Simon Amstell from Never Mind The Buzzcocks. The sharp ripostes flow ceaselessly from a pellucid spring, or something beautiful like that. It is nice knowing that there are people who are awesome out there. They will be the ones to save us from Armageddon; they will splinter the hurtling comets. I will watch and applaud from the shade under a juniper tree. And that, is the exact opposite of what I am supposed to be striving for. Half a month into the new year, and the resolution list is burning itself up in betrayal. Blarg.

But it is hard to feel anything when one is in limbo. Brilliant excuse; pardon me while I contradict myself again. You know that feeling of being in the world, but not of it? The ashen pall of unease that hangs clumsily in the air: that is one definite symptom. Then, there is the constant stream of reminders to self that are like the inane tweets of a twit who makes you lose a bit of faith in the intelligence of human beings. I would think to myself "I am going down the stairs" as I descended the too-narrow stairwells of precariously jerky buses. Or "I am walking to the overhead bridge". "I am waiting for the ball". "I am talking to somebody I have avoided for the past 6 months. I need to pretend that was unintentional" By overloading my consciousness with the humdrum details, perhaps it is a desperate attempt to lose myself in the present. That, yes, this is my day, this is my life, so snap out of it and live it. Own it, biatch. Then, there are the silent pauses, when you examine your outstretched hands with a quizzical bee-like gaze and marvel at how the wrinkled skin wraps around the package of flesh+bone. Or look out on the roads, and imagine how the world would look like if cars emitted candy-coloured exhaust fumes. (Probably an endless kaleidoscopic marshmallow) And eavesdrop on the conversations of other passengers on the bus and realise they are PEOPLE who have LIVES, and that it is only you who have not got anything sorted out. And that you have been snapping your head back and forth so desperately searching for answers that you are almost certain that the minute-hand moved. That's it right there: feeling Time move right under your watch (lol!pun) while immobilised in a quicksand of ambiguity. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink, and the further Time strides away. Soon, you will be muzzled by the broken shards of sentences you were unable to say. It is not that I am unhappy; far from it. It is that I am purposeless among the purposeful. Helpless among the helpful. Hapless among the happening. It is scary to imagine the world spinning away from you: the dulling of spotlights, the emptying of aisles, the padlocking of theatres, while you are rooted to the stage, belting out the crowning aria. Oh, ennui, ennui. What a visually beautiful and apt word, but how horrible the sound.

I wish I had the courage, and capability, to better articulate my confusion. All these words are a smokescreen. And by smokescreen, I envision a swath of white cloth, behind which a bonfire roasts happily, and projected on the "screen", the shadowy dances of flickering flames. People love other people to notice and discover things on their own. It makes them feel special to garner the focused attention of others. I am no different, because it really is moving to know that people care enough to attempt comprehension. And so, we are like children who build sandcastles on the shore, provoking the salty waves to smash them into smithereens. We do regret, as we flutter about with busy hands cupping the crumbled ruins, but we do despair as well, when the sandy fortresses are untouched. It reminds me of a line in Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep that rings eternally true: "I always worried someone would notice me, and then when no one did, I felt lonely" We crave recognition, but we disdain it above a certain threshold. Then again, it could be an over-generalization, because surely, most people aren't as disgustingly self-absorbed as me. Bleaurgh. The days are wonderful, but the nights are worrisome. It is as if I turn into a sentimental werewolf.

I would like to remember the days though. Despite the last-minute flurry of activity settling modules and bidding, there were some kickass times. Monday, 10th January, The Inbetweeners Movie with Friend #2. Holy smokes, forgot how embarrassingly hilarious the quartet is. Tuesday = free day = productive self-training with Ememe and Choobs + catch up on brilliant TV day :) Wednesday was the 3211 lecture, followed by friendly with NYP. That was funn. Thursday = 2220 lecture + JS lecture = instant crushes due to phenomenal hairstyles + lunch with Yaya and Yile = filling up on jokes and laughter alone + whatsapping the singing and dancing 大哥大 as and when boredom struck HAHA. Went for TH friendly also, hehe, more diving around! Friday was 2222 lecture, drawing phallic symbols on papers, beating buibui people up, walking circles upon circles in Queensway, walking ziggy upon zaggy in IKEA, encouraging people to buy things, and continually stopping to marvel at objects. Haha. The weekend were family days. Today was EL lecture with boojae, slackinggg, training which was wowhee-fun! and nowhee-ouch! The next few days are going to be packed, so yes, that is always welcome. Can't wait for modules to be in full-swing. Bring on the readings and the theories! Diversions are forever welcomeee.
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