the longer i run

[methrowrock]

I am constantly torn between being outspoken and being introverted. Whenever I express too many extravagant confessions of affections towards celebrities or other bubblegum confections, it sickens me to the core that that is all I am worth: that my days revolve around carefully tweaked personas of perfection and reel relationships. Then, I veer to the other extreme, wanting privacy, introspection and cerebral stimulation. But too often, I grow restless and indulge in the guilty pleasures of Korean cuties and electronica-drenched tunes. It is a constant, weary cycle of trying to find who I am. Maybe I am both; I think I am both; but I fear that people only view one extreme side of me, becauuse really, I am neither. Contradiction, yes; confusion, no. All I want to be is to be me, however cliched that sounds. I know who I am, but at the same time, I also want others to see who I am the way I see myself. Thus, the constant struggle. It is really about the jostling for attention, the pursuit of acceptance or acknowledgement. What I need to work on is the self-confidence and the courage to stick out my third finger at the world and just associate myself with the people who understand me, who see me as I am. This is a post with flawed reasoning on so many levels. I am just going to write it off as a bad job done. More food for thought for the post-examinations period.