pedestrian poetry
Apr. 18th, 2011 05:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
methrowrock"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear." - Stephen King
Not that I was crying while thinking about this... But it is always during the times when you have plenty of things you ought to do that your mind decides to act like a private investigator and follow vaporous trails into a rainforest of dense, clammy musings. I thought with age comes the untangling of convoluted ideas clenched tightly in a childish fist. I thought wrong; because, more than ever, my ruminations lead me by the nose into circles upon circles, where I wind up giddier and more flummoxed than ever. As the impending 20, carved in craggy boulders, looms over me, I realised that I have long squirreled myself in a shadowy fissure. Denial is my best friend, especially when s/he comes packaged in such shiny and saturated colours, filled with kooky awesomesauce quotes. Reading the accounts and hearing the views of others, I am reminded by how little of either exists in my life. What I am good at is explaining things. Give me two or three concepts as ingredients, some mashing and gnashing time, and I should be able to serve how this shows that, why that is not this, and when this will be that, with a few literary embellishments thrown in as table decorations. So there you go, an adequate (just barely) meal of arguments at a humble diner. But what is the point of that? That makes me no more than an explanatory device. Feelings, beliefs, causes, passions!!! Each of those sold separately, and I'm too broke in opinions to afford them. I should stop weaving so many metaphors. It makes me sound- gasp!- theatrical! Haha. Anyway, yes, that has been a fundamental flaw since day 1. I don't care enough about ~things that matter~. I have strong opinions about why the Monday Couple is real, but should the United Nations have authorized the implementation of a no-fly zone in Libya? Err... Hmm... Well, I can give you a superficial explanation about why humanitarian intervention has grown in legitimacy over the past few decades, but draw a blank whether I feel it is right or not. On one hand, this, but on the other hand, that, and I am too cowardly to establish a stand, because I don't want the scrutiny that accompanies critique. THIS, THIS, THIS. Fuck, this is my greatest problem: fearing to defend my positions. Which stems from a preference for non-confrontation, which is traced to not wanting to offend anybody, which comes from wanting to accepted by people, which equates to me being an popularity whore!?! Hoo boy, this destroys whatever self-esteem I had left. I always thought that I was above that, and that I was cool enough. Guess not. LOVE ME PLEASE. Just kidding.
Then again, I would like to think my aversion to stating opinions is due to my (delusion-ally enlightened) approach to viewing events as multi-faceted. Hahaha! I am really my own worst critic, as well as my biggest forgiver. Because things can be interpreted in so many different ways, who is to say one version is more valuable than other? That is why social sciences appeal so much to me: because a multitude of meanings can be gleaned from the same event. What matters is how one frames it, or the contexts in which it is situated in. You have factor in the whos, the whats, the wheres, the whens, the hows and the whys. There are always great points and bad points about an argument, no matter how carefully one crafts her/his speech. It is the specifiability vs generalisability debate again. Interpretive vs predictive. So I am actually okay for not having opinions, because that in itself is an opinion??? It is society, that emphasizes on punchy and quick pigeonholing of stances, that is to blame, not me! Hahahaha whut. Okay, obviously I have written myself to dreamland, because I am clueless about these black characters being summoned before a magical blinker. I am not made for being an academic or intellectual, but for a placid and mildewed life. So bye, I will explore you again someday, you impenetrable jungle of wild and raw thoughts.
Now, this is more my style, ain't it?
Not that I was crying while thinking about this... But it is always during the times when you have plenty of things you ought to do that your mind decides to act like a private investigator and follow vaporous trails into a rainforest of dense, clammy musings. I thought with age comes the untangling of convoluted ideas clenched tightly in a childish fist. I thought wrong; because, more than ever, my ruminations lead me by the nose into circles upon circles, where I wind up giddier and more flummoxed than ever. As the impending 20, carved in craggy boulders, looms over me, I realised that I have long squirreled myself in a shadowy fissure. Denial is my best friend, especially when s/he comes packaged in such shiny and saturated colours, filled with kooky awesomesauce quotes. Reading the accounts and hearing the views of others, I am reminded by how little of either exists in my life. What I am good at is explaining things. Give me two or three concepts as ingredients, some mashing and gnashing time, and I should be able to serve how this shows that, why that is not this, and when this will be that, with a few literary embellishments thrown in as table decorations. So there you go, an adequate (just barely) meal of arguments at a humble diner. But what is the point of that? That makes me no more than an explanatory device. Feelings, beliefs, causes, passions!!! Each of those sold separately, and I'm too broke in opinions to afford them. I should stop weaving so many metaphors. It makes me sound- gasp!- theatrical! Haha. Anyway, yes, that has been a fundamental flaw since day 1. I don't care enough about ~things that matter~. I have strong opinions about why the Monday Couple is real, but should the United Nations have authorized the implementation of a no-fly zone in Libya? Err... Hmm... Well, I can give you a superficial explanation about why humanitarian intervention has grown in legitimacy over the past few decades, but draw a blank whether I feel it is right or not. On one hand, this, but on the other hand, that, and I am too cowardly to establish a stand, because I don't want the scrutiny that accompanies critique. THIS, THIS, THIS. Fuck, this is my greatest problem: fearing to defend my positions. Which stems from a preference for non-confrontation, which is traced to not wanting to offend anybody, which comes from wanting to accepted by people, which equates to me being an popularity whore!?! Hoo boy, this destroys whatever self-esteem I had left. I always thought that I was above that, and that I was cool enough. Guess not. LOVE ME PLEASE. Just kidding.
Then again, I would like to think my aversion to stating opinions is due to my (delusion-ally enlightened) approach to viewing events as multi-faceted. Hahaha! I am really my own worst critic, as well as my biggest forgiver. Because things can be interpreted in so many different ways, who is to say one version is more valuable than other? That is why social sciences appeal so much to me: because a multitude of meanings can be gleaned from the same event. What matters is how one frames it, or the contexts in which it is situated in. You have factor in the whos, the whats, the wheres, the whens, the hows and the whys. There are always great points and bad points about an argument, no matter how carefully one crafts her/his speech. It is the specifiability vs generalisability debate again. Interpretive vs predictive. So I am actually okay for not having opinions, because that in itself is an opinion??? It is society, that emphasizes on punchy and quick pigeonholing of stances, that is to blame, not me! Hahahaha whut. Okay, obviously I have written myself to dreamland, because I am clueless about these black characters being summoned before a magical blinker. I am not made for being an academic or intellectual, but for a placid and mildewed life. So bye, I will explore you again someday, you impenetrable jungle of wild and raw thoughts.
Now, this is more my style, ain't it?
