tourist

[methrowrock]

You know the hulking cloud of despair that suddenly blows in from nowhere and seizes your optimism hostage? The one that hollows out your house of thoughts and swallows you whole, tiny and vulnerable, within the whirling tresses. Well, that made landing this week, and it was not the best of days. Feeling lost and rudderless never is. You get to evaluation, criticism, reflection, tearing yourselves with daggers of truth that you have hidden from yourself. And that was what I have been doing for far too long: I neglect, I squander, I escape. Same story year after year- you would think that people have the capacity to learn, but no. Drifting along with the days, struggling to withstand the attrition of the workload, doing the minimum possible to coast upon the crests of waves. Existing, but not living. Doing, and not feeling. Thinking, and over-thinking. Then of course, there is the existentialist angst, and the disappointment of expectations schmangst. Not to forget, the yearning for human connection brangst. Oh, how indulgent, how conceited, how ignorant! I feel like punching myself already. Okay, enough with the whining. Shut up, and deal with it better. Bah. I realised that listening to shoegaze/lo-fi helps to keep your mind off things. Can't stop replaying Dead Gaze. Just relax and let the caterwauling guitars and blunt drumbeats massage circular rhythms into your brain, as the static filters out the excessive sunlight. Oh, but when the deep night comes.

The days have been pretty alright though. Monday, the submission of 2210 essay, and the delirium that accompanied the feeling of faux freedom. Shows, shows, shows! and then, a 'fine-dining' experience with the siblings and Anh. Three months for a night like this, five of us sitting around the table, tsk-ing at the bad service, being condescending to each other- "2359 is the minute before midnight"-, laughing at enunciation and usual stuff, ie Ahda being a cat-killer haha. I miss it already, especially since Ahda's flying back tomorrow. Sigh. Tuesday: 2101 tutorial which I was clueless in. Then, fortnightly lunch with Melins, Jeff, and Marcus, which was always funny. :D 3101 lecture with the pingeon and the formation of the gemesisterhood HAHAHA. It has been four or five years, and we still haven't changed much. For that, I am glad. Wednesday: 2212 lecture, 3101 tutorial with the favourite <3, and then, studying at Deck with Choobug and Nathan's Wife. Taking an hour to do two questions haha, teaching and stressing over Japanese, making fun of each other's handwriting and probing about previously-flown sparks, admiring Choobug's anti-PPMM streak, bursting into laughter every ten minutes, fearing the annoyance of the smart project group behind us. The productivity rate increased after we went to clib, with profdikool and heidohi, so not an entirely idle night. Thursday: visiting my cousin's toddler with my sister. SO. CUTE. But as much as I adore children, I have absolutely no idea on what to do with them when they are a metre away. Haha, still adorable though. Training in the evening. Keeper training, which was hella tiring, and hella productive too. So much to work on. Friday: 2210 lecture, being escorted by the pingeon ~o~ to 1201 lecture, home and slaaack. Saturday: game against US Navy in the afternoon. Aish. The difference between what you know you should have done and what you did always gnaws at the consciousness. Hiphop after that, which was fun! My sister and I kinda gave up on dancing well, so heck, just have fun and lose weight by losing face. \o/ Sunday: Meeting up with njsg <3 The company is always reassuring and reaffirming. That is what I need, I think: an anchor to my days. Who/what/how are the things harder to figure out. But well, you know what they say (and by they, I mean me. ^_^v): when in doubt, watch a show. And seeing that I should help cure my sister's addiction to Friends... Till the next time I bore you with my life and thoughts.