twisting in the sun

[methrowrock]

For all the sweeping declarations of promised enjoyment that the end of finals heralded, these days have barely passed with a whimper. No filibuster fire-cracking for me, thank you very much. I don't think my heart could take the excitement. And perhaps, this is the most frightening thing: my abject dearth of ambition. I will start out with bullet points of learning languages!, reading classic literature!, reading up on theories!, boxes that will remain unchecked by the ink of weeks past. It happened during the three months; it is happening again. It is too easy to fall into the routine of watching Friends, Running Man, The Office, and other shows into the wee hours of the morning, oversleeping afternoon appointments, and barely making it for dinners. Not that it isn't comfortable; on the contrary, it is precisely because of its pleasantness that renders it dangerous. I like to think that is due to my internalization of cultural goals to desire more and more, but oh, this is the time to cut the self-righteous and pompous crap. The truth is I don't know how much I don't know, and neither am I compelled to dispel this unknowable fog of unknowns. And whether I believe in it or not, this still bears material consequences down the road, which would affect my quotidian lifestyle. It is inescapable. It is real, which automatically nullifies any excuse to camouflage with the unreal. I have to start planning my future seriously. One month, three months, a year, three years. Already, I can feel myself suffocating. This isn't funny anymore. Or rather, it cannot be funny all the time. When will I realise that? It is agonising enough to have people outgrow you, but to feel your bones resisting and protruding from your shrinking skin is a different realm of pain altogether. Blah.

So I would soothe myself with nursery rhymes about the plenitude of time. Which is true, depending on what time and which side of you undertakes the calculations. The conclusion of an academic semester is always cause for celebration as well. And it has been great, thus far. 2210 ended on Tuesday morning, and was a suitably jovial end to what I have learnt over the past three months. Although giddy from the lack of sleep, there was a small inner-voice that hummed joyfully at being able to write about what I was interested in = East Asian Pop Culture = KPOP hahaha. After that ended, headed to Heido Hi's room to procure the rest of Friends, and rushed to Lido for "那些年，我們一起追的女孩" with Jia. It was a funny and endearing little gem that encapsulated the most heartwarming and heartbreaking experiences of adolescence. Plenty of parts for people to coo over and sigh with. Especially when you've got a male lead as winsome and handsome as 柯震東, amagawd. Had a filling lunch of karee-raisu, which was mostly her hilariously swatting away flies and discovering our buried bitchiness. Dragged her to Candy Empire to find Tim-Tams, and eventually, wound up being dragged to Black Coffee for her habitual pricey caffeine fix. Hehe, it was nice catching up with her though. Never change, bb. Haha. Went to Sherryeo's house afterwards to watch MAMA. Laughed and spazzed my ass off, what with pitiful mimicry of dances, incoherent mumblings of lyrics, disproportionate outrage at award-winners, "THIS IS HOW A MAN SHOULD LOOK LIKE" at award-presenters, and excited waving to the teevee. Hehe, this is what pop culture does: unite people with common experiences and vocabulary to share and interact with one another. The world has enough things that divide people already, so it is a refreshing change. Such fun. Headed home to a nice surprise: sister flew back unannounced. So Wednesday was naturally a day spent at home, playing Tetris Battle and watching Friends with Ahda throughout the night, and just in time to say "bonjour!" to my mother.

Thursday was more of the same, with a slight twist. Went for dinner with some of NUSWS. It was really enjoyable to catch up after so long. Drifted here and there in our di-pan, converging in circles anywhere and everywhere, sitting and slacking with no purpose in mind, smacking and whacking each other. Yeah, it was nice. Blazed through Friends once again upon reaching home, until the early morning haha. Was supposed to have lunch with Pingeon and Smartaleck after that, but being the social theory samurais who operate under the cloak of darkness, we all happened to oversleep. HAHAHA. Maybe that is why we gel so well. Or when in doubt, blame the rain, heh. Headed to Old School to meet FT, Bara, Jelly, Bilys, and Hubae for dinner. It is somewhat heartening to find that certain jokes and interactions don't lose their edge over time. That our gears have not been blunted, and we can carry on turning and churning like we used to. It is reassuring. I have missed them.

And tomorrow, I will be seeing more people that I have missed. S11, NJSG. LAX on Sunday. The briefing on Monday. Trainings. Some activities to structure the formless days. But while that is lovely, I need to remember that these can't be all there are. There are so many things I should and ought to do. After twenty years of betting against myself, I must start stepping up to the plate. Where on earth is that platter, idunno, but damnit, I have got to try.