The Pursuit of Capital Letters

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"." - Jack Kerouac

I haven't done anything that I had planned to do. Instead of borrowing books and films, I went out with my family, cut my hair, played The Sims, sprawl all over my sister's bed and look up emptily at the ceiling, overslept through a few appointments, watched the sun rise, watched the sun set, and pretty much, stuff that I had not planned to. Oh well, these days had to be experienced to fully understand the meaning of "youth is wasted on the young". There are probably more to come haha. I really really need to start reading Jack Kerouac. Okay, byeee~

I am probably the least fashion-savvy, trendy, in-da-club-yo! person around. Hell, most of my clothes are raided from my sisters' closets and still, I prefer to stick to the trusty, boring ole shirt+jeans combination. But, damn you, Korean pop stars with crazy budgets, you have sparked an insatiable desire in me for these two pieces of clothing:






WANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANT. But will never have. :'( And as you may have noticed, I like gimmicky clothes haha.

I am constantly torn between being outspoken and being introverted. Whenever I express too many extravagant confessions of affections towards celebrities or other bubblegum confections, it sickens me to the core that that is all I am worth: that my days revolve around carefully tweaked personas of perfection and reel relationships. Then, I veer to the other extreme, wanting privacy, introspection and cerebral stimulation. But too often, I grow restless and indulge in the guilty pleasures of Korean cuties and electronica-drenched tunes. It is a constant, weary cycle of trying to find who I am. Maybe I am both; I think I am both; but I fear that people only view one extreme side of me, becauuse really, I am neither. Contradiction, yes; confusion, no. All I want to be is to be me, however cliched that sounds. I know who I am, but at the same time, I also want others to see who I am the way I see myself. Thus, the constant struggle. It is really about the jostling for attention, the pursuit of acceptance or acknowledgement. What I need to work on is the self-confidence and the courage to stick out my third finger at the world and just associate myself with the people who understand me, who see me as I am. This is a post with flawed reasoning on so many levels. I am just going to write it off as a bad job done. More food for thought for the post-examinations period.