The Pursuit of Capital Letters

有时候有时候 / 我会相信一切有尽头
相聚离开都有时候 / 没有什么会永垂不朽
可是我有时候 / 宁愿选择留恋不放手
等到风景都看透 / 也许你会陪我看细水长流

This has to be my favourite song ever. The original by 王菲 was heartaching, as were the covers by 张悬 and 方大同. It is a perfect song to waste time away with: it lessens the guilt as it makes you feel that there are things bigger than academics (which IS true, just not at this point in time.) Every day is a new cycle of firm resolve to complete work, followed by dissolution of will and the absorption of hours by a vacuum of frivolity. "Prelims" is a hot issue nowadays, with people pulling hair out and cringing at the subsequent mention of "four weeks" and allusions to the 19873072 topics we have to stuff into modicums of free brainspace. It is kind of funny, up to the point when you realise that you are in the middle of all this shit as well. Then, you backpedal and hope to do it quickly enough so that you can bang your head against a wall and slip into a four-month-long coma. Was this the same atmosphere before Os? I can hardly recall. This time, however, I really need to give it my all. Going to pull my act together from TODAY, for real. So, goodbye and good luck :)

Twitter isn't like what I have imagined: a cyber-playground with replies ricocheting off the walls and loud shrill intentions desiring to be heard. It is much tamer-a trickle of sporadic updates here and there. Or maybe it is me: anything that I undertake is a halfhearted, halfassed effort, so much so you can neither make head nor tails of what it is. But I'm used to it, so it is a-okay. It still frustrates me to no end, however. That this is what my life is about: constant devaluing of personal worth, repeated repegging of lowered expectations. How long will it take to reach rock-bottom? From the looks of it, I don't have to wait too long before finding out. But, ask anyone and they would tell you that they would love to fly, so high into the sky. Oh forget it, I'll have to learn to deal. Can't afford to lose bits and pieces of myself at this juncture. Sidenote: American Wife was moving. Halfblood Prince was oookay~. (except for the wonderful Snape and Lestrange, of course.) Need a good film/song to cheer up, pronto.

Walking home today, I was in a foul mood, scowling and glowering at everything: the rattling drills, the ants on the fence, the poser with tootight pants. Then, this song popped up and before long, I found myself yelling out the lyrics huffily, weird looks bedamned. Definitely not a pretty sight, but hey, it worked. Maybe it was because the guitar riffs were simple and ear-catching, maybe it was because the words resonated with me, maybe it was because it was 五月天, I don't know. What I was sure of, however, is that if one more person extends a friendly reminder for me to start studying, I would instantly self-implode. Thank you for the loyalty and the warmheartedness, but please understand I have this stupid rebellious streak that is usually very well-hidden. Examinations, revision and sciences are really not my cups of tea; I'm more familiar with a life of wasting away and malignant nonchalance. Or maybe I'm just irate because I know now, for sure, that my dreams-academics and otherwise- are way out of my league and that this is the stupidest I have ever felt in a long time. Bummer.

想要执着 反而磋跎 越是等候 反而越是错过
找到成就 反而堕落 越是温暖 反而越是折磨
寂寞 太多寂寞 反而喧哗 拥挤着我
自由 太多自由 反而想作笼里的野兽
而你 是否看穿了我 看穿了我 假装的冷漠
而你 是否害怕着我 反而带走属于我的温柔
看的清楚 反而朦胧 越是了解 反而越是惶恐
保持沉默 反而脆弱 越是忍耐 反而越是汹涌
自由 太多自由 反想做笼里的野兽